Sarah's page

In the shadows, there is no light, no warmth, no glow...
But, it’s where I choose to dance.
The light...it’s brilliant with colors and joy and fear and heartache.
In the light, there are no guarantees. There are no apologizes. There are no second chances.
In the light, you are naked to the world and it’s prodding and judgmental eye.
In the light, they see everything; your flaws, your scars, your crooked teeth, your one too many freckles.
In the light, they see your attempts, your triumphs...and all your many failures.
But...but, in the shadows, there are none. No watching or judging. No mistakes that anyone can see and enjoy.
There is no laughter at you...or with you.
There is no pain, but there is no pleasure.
No fear, but no rush. No one putting you under their rules and their microscope. But, there is no one to cry tears of utter joy when they see you glide on your own.
In the shadows, silence is there instead of applause. Numbness replaces thrill. Safety replaces bliss.
In the shadows is where I dance, where no one can see to judge, to laugh...or to feel my joy.
In the shadows is where I’ll be, dancing for myself and myself alone. That is, until the dancing stops.

Illya and I will be moving into our new home with my dad at the end of Feb! I'm so excited! I just went yesterday to see it for the first time and I got TONS of pictures to show Illya in Ukraine. The most exciting part? We'll have our own bathroom in our master suite. I have NEVER had my own bathroom before...of course, now I'll be sharing it with Illya...but, I guess if I have to share it with anyone, it would be him! =P

This whole visa process has been such a mess! First, they make us believe that not only is everything going smoothly, but that it's getting there ahead of schedule. So, here we're thinking,"Wow! We're really being blessed here!" And then they drop a bombshell, telling us we don't have all the forms we need. AND, to add a cherry on top of it, the form is needed from Russia...the country that really isn't best friends with Ukraine and people from there right now! We're told that it'll take one month to finish and to call then. Well, I made Illya call 5 days before that month mark (if the paper would be done 5 days sooner than planned, I wanted to know and have his butt on the next train to pick it up!!). When we first called, we were told that the computers were down for a few days, so they were behind on their cases (likely story!). We still called day after day, receiving the same answer,"It's not done. Call back in a few days" *CLICK*. When we thought the waiting game couldn't get any worse, Illya got a text message reading,"Due to the terrible weather Moscow is having, we'll be closing our offices down." Lovely!! Of course! Why did I think, of all people, that I would have this thing go smoothly? Everything else has had huge bumps for me in my life, why would the most important experience so far actually go without a hitch?! Illya says that I'm being negative. But, for me, I'm just being realistic. I have to guard myself against ANYTHING that could happen. I have to make sure I'm not being knocked on my feet. But, I'm still trying to keep the faith at the same time. But, let me tell ya', my faith has been shaken! It's so easy to ask,"Why us?" It's not hard to look at all the happy couples around me who seem to have it so easy and be a little bitter. People keep on telling me,"This will end soon...It'll be worth it in the end...There's a bigger reason for all of this" But, at times, I couldn't get over the huge wall of waiting to see all this. I STILL don't see the big picture here of why all of this is happening. But, all I know is that tomorrow, Illya is finally on his way to go pick up this background check. PRAISE BE!! Hopefully, if all goes well, he'll have it, turn it in, and be on his way with his visa in hand in a week or two...But, I'm still preparing myself for any different situation that could pop up until then! Because, if this situation has taught me anything, it's that nothing is final!